The Christian Meme

DNA: The message itself is appealing. It includes tales of love and treachery (Sampson and Delilah), conquest (Joshua at Jericho), great heroes and villains (David and Goliath), amazing special effects (Noah's Flood, Moses parting the Red Sea). It's packed with miracles, martyrs, and much more. It boasts a truly epic ending - a spectacular war between the universal and supernatural forces of good and evil followed by eternal bliss.

Cell Wall: The cell wall is constructed from a special faith-as-virtue material. It encourages gullibility and uncritical thinking. It classifies doubt as a moral weakness, thereby triggering guilt in response to lapses of conviction. It suggests that the enemy, Satan, is lurking about to tempt you, so that you must be ever-vigilant to ward off contrary thoughts. Passive acceptance is expected. Somebody else does the talking. The thinking was finished centuries ago. Piety is virtuous and dissent is immoral, so hosts resist questioning the meme's DNA.

Communicability: Proselytizing is mandatory, so hosts strive to infect those around them. Some hosts even undertake missions to spread the meme in distant lands. It has mnemonic spores (especially songs). Although these seem quaint and innocuous, they actually infect young children - exploiting their lack of sufficient critical-thinking antibodies. To fulfill community expectations, parents dutifully infect their own children.

Mild Symptoms: Guilt from the spiny covers can produce overt behavior patterns - increased church attendance, prayers, special utterances ("God bless you!"), and so forth. In times of doubt, increased piety can help to assuage the accompanying guilt. When all members of a congregation mask their doubts, each individual believes that he or she is singularly weak. This fuels guilt and, thereby, decreases the likelihood that he or she will openly express any doubts. In the mildest cases, however, the host can respect and even consider alternative belief systems.

Moderate Symptoms: In moderate cases, the hosts may surround themselves with small icons and religious paraphernalia. Their cars may develop a rash in the form of a fish or "WWJD" bumper sticker. At a subliminal level, the hosts believe that these objects ward off evil spirits. At a conscious level, the objects demonstrate their piety - distinguishing them from morally inferior people. In moderate cases, the host is uncomfortable when exposed to other belief systems because they are reminded of their own doubts.

Serious Symptoms: Hosts in serious cases are likely to further boost their church attendance - often to several services per week - in hopes that more exposure to the meme will help them overcome their doubts. This can lead to a rather bizarre syndrome characterized by a vicious circle of escalating piety and guilt. In the serious stage, paranoia can manifest itself. Members of other groups are perceived as evil. Hosts can experience hatred for those who hold differing beliefs and may even resort to violence.

Epidemics: Because of the mandatory proselytizing, the Christian meme spreads like wildfire. It sometimes imparts an illusion of moral superiority to an entire nation. This leads frequently to physical clashes between its hosts and the hosts of competing memes. In the worst cases, it can trigger outbreaks of war. Christian and Muslim memes both exhibit "Holy War" traits.